I love dancing. I started dancing when I was three years old. To be real, it was essentially adults attempting to get toddlers to move in a pattern that somehow looked coordinated. I was good at choreography because I was being told what to do. I could just imitate what my dance teacher taught us. I didn’t have to really think for myself or be myself. I was playing a role, especially within the strict nature of ballet. The problem was that I wasn’t focused on myself and what I wanted. I got so caught up in being perfect and doing things correctly that I lost the ability to really connect with the music and get lost in it. I was so afraid of messing up that I focused on counting the steps in my head, focusing on what came next, instead of feeling the beat.
One day when I was about 7 years old, I spaced out for a moment in class and lost where I was in a dance we were practicing. I looked around to the others to see where to pick up. My teacher caught this and mockingly said in front of the class to me, “did little miss perfect mess up?” That only worsened my fear and made me more set on being perfect. I didn’t want to be humiliated in front of my peers again. I didn’t want someone to laugh at me. So I became even more aware of my steps and who was watching me, furthering myself from the joy of dance. I let the fear take over me, but I don’t blame myself. I was simply trying to protect myself and feel safe. And safety meant appearing a certain way, adhering to what I was taught, and hiding myself in my perfectionism.
I’d love to say that somewhere in my childhood my relationship with dance changed; that I found a place or a style of dance that allowed me to embrace myself and be carefree. But that just wasn’t the case. In fact it only got worse.
In junior high school, we had a monthly dance where all the schools in the district joined together to have a night of dancing, dating, and drama - oh the drama. I remember there was a girl in my grade that used to dance by herself with what looked like not a care in the world. Sadly, she was often bullied for being herself. Yet, here she was just lost in being totally herself. I envied her so much, but that was not something I would dare admit to my friends at the time. I desperately wanted to be cool and avoid any bullying myself.
I always wondered how that girl did it - be unapologetically her authentic self. How did she let go of her fear? I definitely couldn’t, always worrying about being a target myself. And seeing how my peers responded to her, only confirmed what I had already experienced...If you are your true self, you may be the target of some very hurtful interactions. So what was my take away from this? Continue hiding what I didn’t feel others would accept about me and just try to fit in. It was safer that way.
Your pre/early teen years can be a tough time to recognize and understand what a gift it is to be your true self mainly because being yourself, showing your gifts, and shining your light bright might be met with mocking, judgment, and peers not liking you.
This kind of self-consciousness and fear can continue into adulthood. It’s easy to let fears creep in and take hold of us, often causing us to avoid doing things that we actually want to do or that bring us joy. It’s like standing on the deck of a pool with the ability to swim, longing to join in but being terrified to get in the water. Eventually we just have to jump in and manage the fear as it comes, little by little.
So this is what I did. I took a hip hop dance class as an adult. I found my fear sometimes getting in the way of letting my body connect to the music. With time, I was able to get out of my head more and enjoy the experience. I even allowed myself to dance more out in public. Facing this fear head on over the years has allowed me to gradually let go of my self-consciousness more and more and just lean into the joy of dancing. I haven’t gotten to the point yet of the total freedom and carefree nature I have when I’m dancing at home by myself, but I hope to achieve that one day.
Even when I’m home by myself it can still be hard to just let go. Sometimes when I’m alone I’ll put on headphones and blast some music. And as I allow myself to get lost in the music and let go of any negative thoughts, I find myself in this flow state of being in pure joy. I’m fully connected to my body and myself. In these moments I’m rediscovering my love of dance that I had as a young kid before the world showed me how dangerous being myself could be. In these moments I’m also rediscovering and reconnecting with myself.
So, what would I do if I wasn’t afraid? What I have been working on doing - dancing like nobody's watching, literally and metaphorically. And who would I be if I wasn’t afraid? The person I have been rediscovering over the years - me.
So what would you do if you weren’t afraid? Who would you be?
If you want help reconnecting with your true self and letting go of fears that get in the way, reach out to me. I’d love to chat about how I might be able to help.
Opmerkingen