I’ve had a complicated relationship with forgiveness throughout my life. I’ve heard many teachings about it. I understand and agree with the benefits of forgiveness. The part I’ve really struggled with though, is the forced feeling that comes from others telling you it’s what you need to or should do. And for some reason, forgiveness feels like it is often the suggestion from others, or is even asked or demanded by the person who harmed us. And to give it before we’re ready is an added harm we are taking on.
The biggest realization I’ve had about forgiveness is that for it to be truly effective, beneficial, and genuine, it has to be a choice - a choice solely belonging to the person providing the forgiveness. We can only truly offer the gift of forgiveness when we are ready to do so - and that gift is not just for the person we are extending it to but also for ourselves. And I might even argue that forgiving someone might do more for us than the other person in some situations.
Why forgive?
I look at forgiveness as a process of letting go and unburdening. When we choose to forgive we usually are letting go of hurt and anger. I want to be clear that I’m not saying anger is a “bad” emotion. In fact, I believe anger is a vital emotion to our well-being. It lets us know we have been hurt and gives us the drive to protect ourselves. Anger is usually only a problem when we use it inappropriately and in unnecessarily harmful ways. It can be especially dangerous and harmful when we hold onto anger long-term. When we hold onto anger it builds and potentially contaminates our relationships and hurts our well-being. Over time, anger impacts us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally.
So if forgiveness is so beneficial for us, then why do we struggle to let go and what gets in the way of being ready to forgive?
We never received the apology or amends we were hoping for or expecting. This might even be combined with the feeling that the person doesn’t “deserve” forgiveness for what they’ve done or the lack of repair from them. It is painful when the apology never comes. And the lack of amends itself adds another layer of hurt and justified anger.
We don’t want to feel vulnerable and powerless. Anger can make us feel powerful and in control. Forgiveness may feel vulnerable, especially when the person on the other end of the forgiveness has been harmful in ways that feel manipulative, abusive, or controlling.
We think that by forgiving someone that hurt us, we are saying what they did was okay and maybe even feel that we are “letting them win.” Moving to a place of acceptance or forgiveness is not necessarily synonymous with approval or condonement. While I understand this barrier to forgiveness, I want to offer up a possible alternative perspective. When we hold onto the anger and let it impact us negatively, that person and their harm is following us around. By letting go of it we release ourselves from the power that person once held over us. We become free of them. To me, that feels like the ultimate win.
We don’t want to face the grief that comes from letting go of the anger and hurt. I’ve seen it many times in my work with helping others and in my own personal experience, that when anger subsides, grief almost always emerges. This is because hurt frequently is felt when we are harmed, and also because forgiveness can come with a sense of loss. We might have to grieve something that we aren’t ready to face or accept. This is why it can feel “easier” to stay in anger. For example, if your parents hurt you and you decided it was time to let go of the anger you had towards them, it might mean facing the reality that your parents never were, and still aren’t, the parents you needed or wanted them to be. This can be a sad reality to accept and you might feel that sadness towards your younger self or even your adult self now.
Not wanting to let go of the relationship or face the reality of the relationship. Sometimes it can feel that holding onto the hurt and anger is the only way to hold on to a person we no longer have in our lives. Or it feels it’s a way to avoid facing the reality of what the relationship actually is like. This reason usually is connected to the previous reason of getting stuck in the letting go process - difficulty facing grief. For example, you’ve experienced a break up or divorce and staying angry at your ex allows you to still be able to hold onto a part of them. If you continue to stay mad, or even try to argue with them, then it’s like they never left. Another example might be that by staying mad at a parent there is something to connect the two of you, and that if you let go of it, then maybe there isn’t much left to discuss. The question to ask might be, if I let go of the emotions I’m holding onto, what might I be losing and what might be left of the relationship?
Fear. Sometimes we aren’t really sure why we don’t want to forgive someone but we can feel that we are afraid of something. If this is the case, take some time alone, and maybe even do some writing, and ask yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I let go of these feelings and forgive?
All these reasons for getting stuck in the forgiveness process are completely understandable and pretty common. And like I stated before, I don’t believe anger is necessarily a “bad” emotion. I also believe that it is important to give ourselves permission to experience the hurt, anger, betrayal and whatever other emotions are coming up before we can move through them and let go. It can be helpful to find a balance of allowing the emotions to be felt while also not allowing them to consume you.
How might you know that you are ready to forgive and let go?
You’re tired, maybe even literally and physically tired, of being angry.
You don’t even remember why you’re angry with that person anymore and aren’t sure it’s worth it to hold onto a grievance you can’t recall.
You see the impact of what holding onto the grievance has had on you and others and don’t want to continue this.
You’re ready to let go of the hold that this person has had on you.
You notice grief emerging and maybe even are moving towards a place of acceptance.
You’ve let go or are ready to let go of the expectations you’ve held about the other person or the situation, such as letting go of the expectation that this person will change or apologize.
You’re ready to move towards reconciliation with that person.
Forgiveness can be emotional, painful, and hard. It can also be freeing and healing. You don’t even need to tell the person that you are forgiving them. You can go through this process on your own. If you’re not yet ready to let go of something from the past, that's okay. It’s your life and you get to decide when or if that ever happens. If you aren’t ready but want to be, or you feel that you might be ready or want to move towards forgiveness, and want some help with the process, reach out to me. I might be able to help you through this.
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