Below is a transcript of part of a clip from an interview with Maya Angelou, which I rediscovered recently. I don’t think it was a coincidence as it felt like my spirit guides were trying to help me out on my growth journey. I had seen this interview before, but this time the words felt different. They carried a new meaning.
MAYA ANGELOU: Well, at some point — you only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.
…
BILL MOYERS: Do you belong anywhere?
MAYA ANGELOU: I haven’t yet.
BILL MOYERS: Do you belong to anyone?
MAYA ANGELOU: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and the courage very much. And -when I find myself acting in a way that isn’t — that doesn’t please me, then I have to deal with that.
Throughout much of my life I have felt like I didn’t belong anywhere - always feeling somehow left out and that there were parts of me that just didn’t quite fit in. Growing up I often didn’t connect with the stereotypical girl or feminine things, such as my choice in clothing or having a low level of interest in hair and makeup.
But when I was really young, before I became more aware of gender norms, I would just let myself be. If I wanted to wear a dress I did. If I wanted to wear clothes from the boys’ section of the store I did. If I wanted to play with barbies and dolls I did. If I wanted to roll around in the dirt and play catch I did. I just existed as myself. I was free.
However, as time went on I received more and more messages from people in my life, strangers, media, society, etc. Some more direct and some very subtle. Because of these messages I began to learn how I was supposed to behave and dress as a girl because that’s how the world saw me. I didn’t have the language or the representation back then in the media or everyday life to know and communicate to people that I was actually gender-fluid, meaning my gender was fluid over time and I didn’t ascribe to either gender binary permanently. So I just kept on trying to live my life according to the script laid out in front of me while feeling like something was wrong with me.
I also didn’t feel like I fit in because of my sexuality (I identify as queer). I wasn’t super interested in boys the way my girl peers were. I just pretended and played along thinking at some point the lies I was telling myself would become my reality one day. Again, I didn’t have language or representation to understand this. I just knew I was different, reinforcing the belief that something was wrong with me.
It wasn’t until I began to find the language to describe who I was and my experiences that I started to understand myself. And it wasn’t until I saw myself represented in the media and in other people around me that I started to believe that there wasn’t anything wrong with me and that I wasn’t alone.
I remember going to my first pride parade the summer after I graduated high school and wanting to cry because I was so shocked by how many people there were like me. I had truly convinced myself that I was so different from everyone else around me. Seeing people celebrating themselves and being open about who they were began to change how I felt about myself and my idea of belonging. I have recognized over time that society made it extremely difficult for me to be my fully authentic self, but that day was the beginning of me trying to take my power back and stand in my truth.
Eventually in adulthood, I found a community with people who identified similarly to me in terms of sexuality. Later that expanded to also finding people who identified similarly to me in terms of gender. I felt seen and validated within these communities, but the truth was that deep down I still didn’t feel like I truly belonged anywhere. I found myself trying to be what I thought queer people should be like or how non-binary people are “supposed” to be. I still was struggling to just be me.
What I’ve learned more recently is that the person who I want to belong to the most is myself. That’s who I need acceptance from. Because if I belong to myself then I belong anywhere because I will carry that feeling with me and be comfortable with who I am. I also will belong nowhere because I will be my authentic self in all settings and around all people. This will mean that I will not just blend in and fit in. I may stand out. That can be scary and even feel or literally be unsafe, but it means I am free. As Maya Angelou said, “the price is high. The reward is great.”
It can be painful if you are feeling like you don’t belong or that you are alone. I offer intuitive coaching sessions to help people get in touch with who they are and work through what is getting in their way of self-acceptance, self-love, and being their most authentic selves. I also find it important to acknowledge systems of oppression and the impacts oppression has on people because oftentimes people can internalize shame from their experiences in society like I did. For some people, there can be very real barriers to being safe when living as your authentic self. Therefore, I am mindful of these barriers and make sure to leave space for people’s realities and lived experiences while providing support and guidance. If you are interested in working with me, reach out. I’d love to hear from you!
If you are interested in watching the clip or reading the full transcript from the interview with Maya Angelou, you can do so here: https://billmoyers.com/content/conversation-maya-angelou
Comentarii