Through the years I have worked a lot with clients on their relationships with their parents, whether or not their parents were still alive. Most of this work has been with adults. In using the term “parent,” this may include anyone who has served that role of raising you.
The parent-child relationship is such a powerful one. It can influence our behaviors, decisions, and emotions, even if we don’t have much or any contact with our parents. For example, have you ever been in a situation with your parents where you feel you are a child again? Or have you ever experienced a time when you wanted to say something, speak up, or say no to a parent but were too scared or felt like you couldn’t even though logically you know you are a grown adult? Have you ever made a decision based on what you think would make your parents happy or make them proud of you, or to avoid their disappointment? These situations can happen.
Parents can subconsciously have that type of hold on us. We want their love. We want their approval. We want to avoid feeling hurt or rejected by them. We want them to be happy. We want to feel safe. So many things are drivers of our behaviors when it comes to interactions with our parents. Even if you’ve never met one or both of your biological parents, that can have an effect on you. I’ve had clients who live their lives in accordance with what their parents want or they think their parents want, and are miserable. Even if their parents live many miles away! It can be hard to break free from the psychological binds we feel with our parents.
Years ago I read the book, “It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle” by Mark Wolynn. I remember a message in the book was that I would need to change for my relationships with my parents to change. The author talked about how I couldn’t wait around for my parents to change and expect the full burden to fall on them - at least if I was to be happy and at peace with these relationships. I didn’t like that message because I thought if there’s something I don’t like or something I am angry about related to our relationship, then it’s completely on them to fix it. But as I read through the rest of the book and completed the writing and reflective exercises, I began to buy into the idea of focusing on changing myself instead of changing them. By the time I was done with the book - months later - I knew change needed to start with me because that’s the only change I had control over.
The reality is that as we do our own work, the way we relate to others changes. Our perspective changes, our needs change, our ability to stand up for what we deserve changes. We often will get to a point where we will no longer tolerate behaviors from others as we did before. We set boundaries. And in all of that growth we increase our bandwidth for compassion - for ourselves and for others.
This is the path towards changing your relationship with your parents. It’s about looking at what you didn’t get but needed and seeing how you can be that for yourself. It’s about grieving the loss of what you didn’t have. It’s about moving from a place of self-blame to a place of self-compassion. And moving from a place of anger to a place of acceptance and greater peace.
I want to be clear about one thing though before I move on…having compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness does not mean you will never be angry or upset again. Sometimes anger and other emotions will arise many times as we work through them. Having compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness also does not mean being without boundaries. And there will be some parent relationships where the only safe thing is to set the ultimate boundary of choosing no relationship at all. There is a diverse range of needs in order to heal and maintain a sense of well-being. It’s important to understand what is best for yourself and your relationships.
The other part of healing relationships with parents is to realize their humanness. When we grow up we can think of parents as larger than life and more powerful than other adults. We give them that power, and some parents will even abuse that power. Sometimes realizing a parent’s humanness is about taking back the power they took and/or we gave away to them, and about empowering ourselves. Sometimes realizing their humanness is about having compassion for their mistakes. Sometimes it’s about both.
When I was reading Mark Wolynn’s book there was an exercise to create a family genogram that led me to talk to my parents and other family members about previous generations and their childhoods. That led me to see my parents for who they were. Adults who had their own traumas and heartbreaks, childhoods with parents who hurt them in their own ways, and who were navigating parenthood the best they knew how to at the time. I’m not saying I just threw my anger and hurt out the window at that moment. But something changed. It brought their humanity back and instead of looking at them and my childhood in black and white, I now saw the grayness that always existed. It was complex. They were complex. And so was I.
This was the beginning of my road to letting go of anger and moving towards forgiveness. It has been a long road, and even though I feel things have gotten better, it doesn't mean my parents and I no longer have any conflicts. During this time of working on myself, I was able to have healing conversations with my parents about my childhood and our relationships. I was able to speak my truth for the first time. For that I will be forever grateful because I know that those types of conversations just aren’t possible with some parents. Eventually I got to the point where I had all the conversations with them I felt I needed to have at that time. I knew my truth. I knew their truth. And where our truths differed, I could let it go. Because during that time I was also learning to reparent myself.
Reparenting meant that I could be what my younger self needed but didn’t get. Even with the best of parents, parents will make mistakes and hurt us in some way. There is no such thing as perfect parents. And if you feel guilty for being angry or upset with your parents, know that you are not alone. That is one of the most common barriers to improving relationships with parents and improving a person’s overall well-being. We have to allow ourselves to be angry and hurt, and feel all the grief and whatever else comes up. It’s the only way through. And once we get to the other side, we can learn to let that all go. Even if our parents never change, we can change. And that gives us a new way of being and interacting with them.
And if you’re the parent whose child is coming to you with feedback and things they are angry about, the best thing you can do for them is to listen. Really take in what they are saying, even if it’s hard to hear. It can be extremely challenging to not go into defensiveness or shame. And if you’re an empathic parent it can hurt to know your actions hurt your child - because you love them. But know that it’s never too late to apologize and make amends. The first step though is to listen. How can you know how to repair something if you don’t know how it’s broken?
If you’re looking for help with navigating relationships with your parents or your child, or would like help healing from wounds in childhood or related to your parents, reach out to me. When I open people’s Akashic Records I can get guidance on what might be helpful for someone to do as well as address any sticking points or barriers to healing these wounds. I also offer relational sessions where I can provide insight and guidance on how to improve the relationship.
Don’t worry if there is a relationship you want to work on but that person won’t join you for a session. The truth is you only need one person in a relationship, couple, family system, etc. to change the dynamics. Is it easier when others join you in this endeavor? Sure. But it’s just not always possible. But what is possible and within your control is that you can work on the changes you need to make, which will inevitably change the dynamics in the relationship. And it will ultimately lead to a better life for yourself, and perhaps, better relationships with others.
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