There is no such thing as an ongoing relationship between two people without the possibility of conflict or harm. Because we are human we will make mistakes. Emotions can lead us to saying or doing hurtful things. While we want to do our best to avoid these types of harms and do our best to change behaviors that are hurtful, the reality is that at some point we will hurt someone we care about in some way. When that happens the amends and repair process is going to be important.
What does a good reparative process look like? Let’s start with what makes up a good apology and what does not.
Here are some key elements to have in a good apology:
Acknowledge and name the harm you caused, as well as the impacts it had on the person you hurt.
Apologize without excuses, explanations, or blame.
State what you will do differently in the future, or what you have been or will be working on that shows you are committed to doing things differently in the future.
Stop the harmful behavior, or at least show that you are making progress towards changing or eliminating that behavior. This is where understanding and patience on the part of the other person can be helpful. Change, especially if it’s a long-standing and deeply engrained behavior, may take time and there will likely be some regressions and setbacks that happen. However, we can’t require patience from the other person and need to consider how we will stay motivated to the changes we are making without any positive reinforcement from that person.
What not to do:
Make the apology a quid pro quo situation, meaning that you’ll only apologize unless the other person does. It’s also risky for you and the relationship if you go in with the expectation that your apology should be followed by their apology. Rather, focus on the harm you caused. Sometimes leading with an apology can naturally lower defenses and allow the other person to offer up an apology, but if they don’t apologize, consider whether it's worth it to chase the apology. My recommendation is to let it go in the moment and, if needed, bring up how the other person harmed you in another conversation. This will differ with various relationships and situations.
Explain your behavior and the harm you caused. This often feels like an excuse, that you are taking back your apology, or that you are minimizing what you did. I recommend asking the other person first if they want an explanation or the backstory. If they don’t want to hear it, it is probably best to let it go.
Blame the other person for the harm you caused them, for example saying something like, “well if you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have done this.” We are completely responsible for our own emotions and actions. It is also best to avoid using “you” or blaming statements. These statements blame others for your own emotions and reactions, which can lead the other person to become defensive and often will escalate the conflict further.
Apologize with no change in behavior. Repeated offenses with no change in behavior can lead to resentment in the other person, and understandably so. Apologies can feel empty when there is no action to back them up.
Ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness happens when a person decides they are ready to let go of their hurt and anger. It is not something we give before we are ready to do so, and it can’t be forced. When apologizing, let go of any expectation of the other person forgiving you. It’s possible with the appropriate apology that the other person may offer up forgiveness on their own.
Over-apologize. When you apologize too much it can shift the behavior to yourself and away from the person you hurt, and it can lead to the other person feeling that they need to comfort you. This will usually lead to more resentment from the other person.
Play the victim, make it about yourself, or project your shame in harmful ways. For example, saying something like “I’m sorry that I’m such a terrible parent,” especially in a tone that suggests you are the victim or you’re being attacked. It can be difficult when we feel shame. However, it’s important that we don’t take that shame and use it a way that feels manipulative or hurtful to others. A more effective and less harmful way to phrase an apology is to focus on the behavior, specific harm, and impact so that the focus stays on the person you hurt instead of focusing on you and your feelings. For example, “I’m sorry that I invalidate your feelings when you share them with me. I’m working on listening and taking in what you have to say without being so reactionary.”
Other things to consider when having a reparative conversation:
Identify the goal of the conversation. This means determining what you want to have happen during the conversation or what you want to get out of the conversation. It should be based on something that is within your control. For example, a goal that is within your control is to apologize and take responsibility for your hurtful actions. A goal that is not within your control is to have the other person forgive you or to get the other person to apologize.
Focus on using “I” statements. These are statements that center yourself and your experiences. They take responsibility for your own emotions, reactions, and perspectives.
Listen when the other person explains how your behavior or actions impacted them. Remember impact is more important than intent. You can have good intent but still engage in hurtful behaviors. It might be beneficial to consider how you can regulate yourself when shame or guilt arises. This can help reduce the chances you will engage in hurtful behaviors, such as defensiveness or blaming.
Apologizing and repairing hurtful interactions within relationships can be difficult, often because we will experience guilt, shame, and/or anxiety in these situations. It can also be difficult with others who you do not feel safe opening up to or are not as able to engage in productive and healthy conflict resolution. Because we only have control over ourselves, it is best to consider how we want to show up and handle making amends so that we can stay in our integrity and let go of any guilt we may carry.
If you would like help with navigating conflict situations or with how to handle the repair process, reach out to me. I offer both individual and relational coaching sessions to help people with these issues.
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