People have asked me how Pride was this year, like they do every year. And if I’m giving my honest answer, I often have hesitated to explain. What you see on my social media is only part of it - the celebration and joyful times with my friends and fellow LGBTQ+ community members. That is all very real, but there’s another part that isn’t as often seen by others outside my close circle. The other reality of my Pride month and experiences includes being with the wounded parts of me that are still healing from religious trauma, internalized homophobia and transphobia, and prejudice from others.
It’s been a long road of 15+ years of healing all of this. I’ve been reflecting on Pride, trying to write this blog post all month not knowing what to say. I could sense there was something I needed and wanted to share, but wasn’t quite sure how to start or what to include.
There’s so much that is a part of my journey to uncovering and embracing my queerness and gender nonconformity, and I continue to uncover and be faced with truths about the past and new understandings about myself. I’ve walked very far down this path of self-acceptance, and I often take time to pause and look back at all I’ve overcome.
In years past when I did this, I would be in awe of how far I had come and couldn’t imagine being even more comfortable with myself. But as time has gone on, I’ve come to understand that there may never be an ending point with this - that I will continue to become freer and more loving of myself each year that passes. And that is a joyful hope that I cherish and look forward to.
Part of my story related to discovering and accepting my sexuality and gender involves alcohol abuse. In my years of sobriety, there’s been a lot more space to explore all parts of myself and let what I buried rise to the surface. It’s been emotional and painful, but also beautiful. And as I’ve stopped hiding parts of myself and parts of my story, I’ve noticed that the shame monster that used to weigh me down is becoming much smaller and lighter.
Overtime I hope to continue sharing more of my story, including my sexuality and gender journey, but other parts as well. They are all interconnected after all. I believe to truly embrace our story and ourselves we must embrace all parts. My hope is that by sharing, others may feel seen or feel less alone. I think it is a gift to bear witness to others’ stories, and am honored when others also share theirs with me.
For now, I felt a poem was the best way to share what’s been on my heart and mind this past month as I’ve reflected on my journey and the past, as well as what I hope lies ahead.
PRIDE
Anger.
Sadness.
Grief.
Shame.
It all lives in me.
Woven together by a series of events,
Glued and bound by the Church and society,
Sealed shut by those close to me,
Temporarily forgotten by me.
Now in my sobriety
it’s unraveling.
With each layer that comes apart,
More anger.
More sadness.
More grief.
Less shame? Yes.
More shame? Yes.
Shame.
I put words
to what I was not allowed to speak.
I name the harm
that others tried to disguise and mask from me.
Once I finally am held in healing,
new experiences find me.
Compassion.
Empathy.
Unconditional love.
Acceptance.
Safety.
I see the origin of alcohol,
And it’s web that trapped
all the trauma, wounds, and pain.
I understand.
New emotional experiences arise.
Self-compassion.
Self-love.
Less shame.
I spend time listening,
to the parts of me I abandoned.
I hear them speak.
More grief.
More sadness.
More anger.
I share my journey
of pain, trauma,
growth, and healing.
And there it is again.
Less shame.
And what else?
What’s that emotion?
Pride.
Whether you’ve been on a journey of self-discovery or are just starting out, I would love to hear from you to see if I could be of any help. If you’re interested in learning more about my services, feel free to reach out to me!
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