I had a revelation when I was completing my certification coursework to be able to do the intuitive coaching I provide. During these classes, we often participated as the client in our own Akashic Record readings or when engaging in Angel healing. During a particular session I focused on the guilt and shame I carried for past behaviors and things I had done. Self-forgiveness has always been a challenge for me, often beating myself up instead of embracing myself with compassion. I used to believe that being compassionate meant letting myself off the hook, but that simply isn’t true. Being compassionate actually allows me to face what I’ve done, take better accountability, and let go of my past decisions instead of staying stuck in the shame cycle that usually doesn’t lead anywhere helpful.
In one of the classes, the angels helped me realize that who I was at my core has always been the same. They showed me that the ways I had coped with my trauma and pain, such as perfectionism, trying to control things, alcohol, or becoming a chameleon to be whoever someone wanted me to be, had all been the “armor” I wore to try and protect myself. I used it to keep myself safe.
The angels helped me see that the things I did in those moments or during certain periods of my life when I was acting out of my own pain, did not make up who I was at my core. I was still accountable for what I had done, but it didn’t define me. These choices did shape me through what I learned from them, but I was still a good-hearted person, worthy of love, like I had always been. While taking the class, I was still learning how to remove the armor in order to rediscover myself. Over the years I had shed some of it, but there was still more left to let go of.
I understand that it’s hard letting go of the things you developed to keep you safe. We often needed these pieces of armor to get through certain issues or situations in life. The problem is that at some point they end up hurting us and holding us back - the weight of the armor is too heavy and too suffocating. And I felt the weight of it.
It was time to find new ways to move through life; it was time to get back to the core of who I was. And that can feel like a big undertaking. We absorb so many messages throughout our life about what’s right and wrong, who we should be, what we should do, and what we should achieve. We learn ways to survive a societal structure that does not leave much room for well-being (e.g., capitalism, oppression). Added to that, we experience trauma and hardships that pile on top of us, leading us to get lost in all of it. It seems our true self that existed when we were born, becomes more and more trapped over time under the rubble of what life throws at us. And then, it may not be until we reach adulthood that we devote the time removing the debris until we find ourselves again. Trying to find that joyful and carefree child we once were or wanted to be.
This can be an exhausting and painful process, but it can also be beautiful and worth it. And when our true self, or soul, connects again with the person we’ve become after taking this journey, it can be powerful. It’s like coming home to yourself.
Part of my own process was working through my religious trauma and letting go of who society said I should be, especially in terms of my sexuality and gender. Reconnecting to my spirituality as an adult in some ways felt like a betrayal to the armor I had developed, which was to stay as far away from religion and anything that sounded like it. I had to really look my fears directly in the face and move through them until I got back to my truth. It was like learning to walk again. It was like seeing the world through new eyes, and seeing myself through new eyes - somewhat disorientating but steadying at the same time.
This is what I wrote about in the poem below called, “My Soul Has Remained.” It’s about discovering who you really are and relearning how to move through the world from that place - whatever that looks like to you. It’s about honoring all that has changed and who you’ve become, leaving space for what you are still holding onto, while also realizing that on a very deep level you’re still you - your true self.
I recognize there may be a level of fear with starting the process of rediscovering or reconnecting with yourself, and I know how hard it can be to keep going on that journey. I’ve had help in various forms and from many sources during my own journey. I didn’t do it alone and you don't have to either. If you’d like help with this, reach out to me. We can talk about what may be getting in the way of taking that first or next step, and what we can do together to get you to where you want to be - to who you want to be. You deserve to know yourself and be connected with your most authentic self. And by being that bright light that shines, you help others find the path to their true selves too.
My Soul Has Remained
This feels like new territory,
Living life from a spiritual place,
It provides a sense of peace,
But gives the feeling of uncertainty a new face.
It’s like relearning to walk,
When walking has been my way
Of navigating this world from such a young age.
Where will this new movement lead me?
Who will I be?
Through what lens will the world be that I see?
Equal excitement and fear seep into my body,
I revel in the excitement
And spiral in the fear,
Wanting the fear to disappear,
And the excitement to stay near.
It’s the gripping and clinging
That really does me in,
It keeps me stuck and frozen in time and space,
Unable to move forward, unable to see within.
Trying to find new ways to flow with the waters
Watching the tides come and go, ebb and flow,
Trying not to let them overpower me,
Trusting in deep down what I know.
So what do I do,
With all that’s left and all that’s new?
I honor what stays and also what moves.
So who am I?
The truth is I’m the same,
Even through all the change,
My soul has remained.
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