I received a lot of messages growing up - directly and indirectly, or subtly - that told me anger was bad and scary. Being raised and treated as a girl growing up, I was not to show or express my anger - only boys and men could. At least this is what I learned, but don’t actually believe this to be true anymore. This paired with other childhood messages, I focused so much of my life on being compliant, pleasant, and affable. Setting boundaries and standing up for what I deserved back then would have been viewed as being “difficult.”
So what did I do with the anger? I talked myself out of it or stuffed it down, and then eventually I exploded. It didn’t feel safe or allowed to express my anger with others so the explosion was often turned inwards as self-blame, shame, and self-criticism. I was hard on myself and I would also get angry for being angry. The anger that I was suppressing and turning inward was also leading to health issues.
What would’ve been helpful growing up was for people to let me know that my anger was valid and that I had a right to be angry when others were hurting me. I needed someone to show me how to speak up effectively without causing unnecessary harm to others, and give me permission to set boundaries. But I couldn’t now as an adult, go and change the past. All I could do was change how I handled anger so it didn’t continue to impact me emotionally, physically, or impact my relationships.
What this meant was I needed to change how I was handling my anger, which included connecting to my inner child and reparenting myself. This involves spending time connecting with that younger part of you to better understand what they experienced in the past and then being for them what they needed but didn’t get. Then, when your younger self gets triggered in the present, you can show up for them as your adult self - as that parent they didn’t have. I know this can sound abstract and confusing to people who haven’t heard of or done this type of work before, so I’ll share how I have been doing this with anger.
When I get angry about things in the present moment, I try to first stop and validate my anger because usually I have a right to be angry. Sometimes my anger isn’t valid and may be an over-response, but I still try and spend time validating myself. A childhood wound for me is not feeling seen or heard, and so my job now in reparenting myself is to let myself know that I am listening and that I care about what I’m feeling.
The biggest challenge can be to meet myself with compassion and non-judgment, and to allow myself to feel angry without quickly trying to explain it away, shove it down, or criticize myself for feeling it. It definitely requires me to be mindful and present, and not just in my mind but in my body. It also requires me to slow down the process and sometimes set aside time to be with that part of me that is hurt and angry so I can get what I truly need.
What I notice when I take the time to validate myself instead of judging myself or pushing the emotion away, is that part of me can often settle down. It’s like a child being soothed. Sometimes though, my anger will actually increase as I validate myself, and this usually lets me know that taking action on my anger by setting a boundary or taking some type of self-protective action, is important. When I take this self-assertive action, I can usually let go of my anger instead of holding onto it and storing it for later.
Am I always good at doing this? No. It’s still very much a work in progress. But what I can tell you is that by connecting with my anger, validating that younger part that didn’t feel heard, and taking action to stand up and protect myself, overall I feel overall happier and more empowered. I also have noticed a decrease in health issues and physical symptoms that have arisen from my repressed anger.
Something to keep in mind is that as we assert ourselves more, we may get more pushback from others who are trying to get us, consciously or unconsciously, to go back to the way it was when we were more of a people pleaser, compliant, or quiet about our anger. That can be tough, but if we are nurturing that inner child and able to validate and be there for ourselves, it’ll be less impactful when others don’t respond well to our valid attempts at protecting and standing up for ourselves.
You are allowed to be angry. You deserve to feel heard. Your needs matter.
If you want help with understanding or managing your anger, reach out to me. I love guiding people as they address their anger, guilt, and shame issues because I’ve personally struggled with these emotions. I’ve also experienced and see firsthand from others I’ve helped, how powerful the healing can be when we have better relationships with these emotions.
I also love walking people through inner child work so that they can meet their younger self, take care of that part in a way that feels nurturing, and have the tools to continue that work long-term on their own for longer-term transformation. I believe inner child work is lifelong work because we will never stop needing certain things from ourselves.
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