I wrote this reflection after I had a tough day this past summer. It was one of those days where the hard stuff in your life finds you and overwhelms you emotionally - a day where your past catches up with you. I felt called to go to my favorite spot by the Mississippi River, be with nature, and find a way back to a more grounded version of myself. Little did I know when I went to that place that I was about to be taught a lesson and have my perspective shifted. Nothing in my life had changed by the time I left the river, but I was changed in a way that helped me find a path forward.
Hopefully we can all find ways to get those moments of grounding, clarity, and support during hard times. As we work on bettering ourselves, there will be behaviors, thoughts, patterns, and people that we may need to let go of because they no longer serve us. We can grow by leaving all that in the past but taking the lessons with us. This kind of change can be difficult and scary, but the room it makes for things and people that are more in alignment with our best self and life is worth it.
Come join me on the journey I had that day in nature...
I walked down to the Mississippi River but stopped shortly after I started. I don’t have the right shoes, I thought. Was this safe? I didn’t know the path down and wasn’t sure that I would be able to make it back once I started the journey. I knew I had to keep walking and realized I just had to trust. I walked until I found a spot to sit, looking out through the trees at the water. I could feel the numbness gnawing at me - wanting to stay but also wanting to go. I didn’t know what to do next or what to think next. I picked up a twig and sat there mindlessly digging at a rock in the dirt, barely making any headway to digging deeper around it. But I hadn’t really intended on taking it out or digging deeper. I wasn’t really wanting to nor thought about it until I did.
Once I decided I wanted to take the rock out I went to work digging, determined. It was deeper and more imbedded than I thought or realized. How much more would I need to dig up to get it out? To take out what was no longer serving me? What had protected me and kept me safe but was now hurting me? I kept digging thinking surely I’m almost there - I’m almost to the bottom. But every time I thought that, there was more. Until I finally was able to shake it loose and pull it up out of the ground. What was left was a gapping hole the size of the rock. The rock much larger than I thought. The hole completely a surprise. Now what? I couldn’t just leave the hole there. It was too big. What if someone tripped? I felt I was leaving it vulnerable and unprotected.
What would be the impact to that area, and anyone or anything that came in contact with it expecting what was there before? I didn’t want to put the rock back. It no longer lived there and would never fit just right. I began moving dirt into the hole but the problem was that there was nothing to catch it on the other side so it just fell right through. It wasn’t enough. It needed bigger and stronger pieces of foundation. But it had to be new things.
I wasn’t sure what to choose but started finding rocks and twigs and pieces of wood to place in the hole. Where one rock once lived, now many pieces of earth shared a new home. It took a number of things to support and provide protection. It wasn’t as sturdy yet as the rock, but with time it might become a solid foundation. Time and new growth would determine that. I just had to set it up and see how the universe and all its creatures and creations would take hold of it, keep it safe, and trust it would continue what I had started.
A part of me felt guilty for taking the rock out and what others would say, but I knew it had outgrown its “home” there and needed a new one. There was plenty around to form a new foundation. I just had to look and pay attention to what I hadn’t noticed or seen before. I looked at the rock and noticed the dirt on it. How time and it being stuck had aged it and held its shaped - maybe even formed its shape.
The Mississippi waters suddenly becoming more intense in their waves and ripples from a passing by boat I didn’t even notice but had heard - at least I think I heard but realizing I hadn’t been present enough to know for sure. So it was the river that caught my attention and I watched as the waters gradually resettled. Calmed down. Found its center again. What was so peaceful had become loud and disturbed. But then became peaceful again. And the peace that followed was more powerful and beautiful than before the disturbance - like seeing and hearing it all in a new light. From a new lens and perspective.
How strong nature can be yet we can underestimate her and forget her strength she carries all along. Only when things get turned over and shaken up can we truly see and feel the power and strength that lies dormant. Through this time with Mother Earth I knew I would be ok and that this feeling of being shaken was part of the journey towards more beautiful peace, growth, and abundance. She had spoken to me through the language we share. No words yet deep understanding. She showed me the way forward and towards my healing.
I thanked her as I was feeling ready to go, feeling changed by her presence. Held and nurtured by her love. Reminded that she will always be here for me. I just need to be here for myself and allow the love and care to reach me. To let it in. To be.
I considered taking the rock with as a reminder but I realized I knew the truth and knew all it shared with me. I didn’t need it with me and knew it was best left behind to help someone else on their path. I could take the lesson and not the reminder. The lesson lived within me. And that was enough for me.
I made the journey back up the hill. I moved with speed and firmness this time. I had left the hesitation and doubt behind and had stepped into confidence and faith. Going back might be hard, but it was easier now not because anything else had changed, but because I was changed.
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