Asking for help can be difficult and vulnerable. People can find this challenging. It’s not just asking for help but it’s also receiving it, even when someone offers without having to ask. This is often tied to core beliefs people have around worth, safety, control, and vulnerability.
I’ve historically struggled with asking for help. I have gone through a lot of my life with a narrative that I have to do everything on my own. I found it challenging in the past to say I needed others, and I still can struggle with allowing myself to trust people and rely on them in certain moments. I have felt a need to try and stay in control, which means doing things myself. This is rooted in past experiences where not being in control either was or felt unsafe. The ways we learned to find safety early on in life can be hard to unlearn.
In all honesty, I can get upset that I’m doing everything by myself and on my own. I have found myself resenting those closest to me for not helping. However, a recent experience reminded me of the role I play in these relationship dynamics, including feeling resentful.
During this recent experience, I was in a small group doing yoga when the instructor encouraged all of us to use the wall to lean against when doing a yoga pose. I thought to myself, “I don’t need the wall. I can do this without it.” I felt that I was somehow weaker and “less than” if I used the wall for support. I felt I needed to prove that I could do it myself without support. Something deep inside me said I had to do it on my own, alone.
I looked around the room and saw everyone using different sections of the walls in the room for support. I decided to allow myself to have a different experience than I had in the past. I remember leaning against the wall and feeling held in that moment. The pose was easier and that felt nice to not have to work so hard. It was comforting to feel that support.
That was my light bulb moment - the reminder of how I play a role in the lack of support I experience from those around me. When I really think about it, I know I have so much support in my life. However, I often don’t use the help and I might even push it away when offered.
Why? For a number of reasons. I’ll share them with you and then go through how each of these reasons are no longer serving me and can actually be myths I’ve told myself for a long time. In fact, I have seen through my work with helping others that these are common barriers for many people that get in the way of asking and accepting help.
I feel I’ll be seen as less than or weaker if I admit I need help. This is such a common myth we carry in our society. To admit we need others is vulnerable but is also part of being human. We can’t do everything on our own. To choose vulnerability in any given moment is brave and a sign of strength.
It feels really vulnerable to ask for help because it’s possible someone may say no. People are allowed to say no to our requests. We have to be okay with that and the boundaries people may have with us. The way people say no to us is what matters. The hope is that the people we choose to have in our lives respond to us with respect and kindness, even when saying no. Here’s the important thing to remember: if you ask for help the answer might be no sometimes, but if you never ask for help the answer will always be no. I’d rather have the possibility of receiving help and getting my needs met than having no chance at all.
I’m afraid to rely on other people because they may let me down. If this were to happen I’m afraid it will only further an old and out-of-date narrative I have that people cannot be counted on; that at the end of the day I only have myself in this world. The reality is that I’m never alone. My angels and guides are always with me and so are any loved ones who have transitioned to the other side. In addition to that, I know I have built a solid support system and just need to remind myself of this. It is vulnerable to rely on others and ask for help, but this is also the way we build trust in relationships and develop closer relationships. It’s the chicken and the egg kind of situation. We have to first take a leap of faith and ask for something from someone before we can know if we can trust and rely on them. I encourage people to pay attention to how others respond when we ask for help. This will let us know how and if we want to proceed in the relationship. Just keep in mind that a person can’t always say yes and that there are times when someone may not show up for us - there is no such thing as perfection. Again, pay attention to how that person handles it when they make a mistake or say no.
If I accept help then I feel like I owe that person something. Having had relationships in my past where help was used in harmful ways has led me to struggle with this. I’ve experienced situations where people provided help with strings attached, guilt-tripped me for the help they provided even when they offered without me asking, or continually reminded me or held it over my head that they did something nice for me. In general, we do want our closer relationships to be roughly reciprocal without engaging in any harmful scorekeeping. (Exceptions to reciprocal relationships are relationships that have certain uneven power dynamics, such as parent-child relationships.) The hope is that people offer help when they have the capacity to, with no expectation of receiving anything in return. If you find that someone offers help in harmful ways then consider if you want to continue asking that person for help, knowing how they’ll likely behave. Thankfully, there will be others who are willing to offer help with no strings attached.
I don’t want to be a burden. I have this old narrative originating from childhood that other people’s needs are more important than mine or that my needs are an inconvenience to others. This can be a major barrier to asking for help and getting my needs met. The truth is that people can genuinely want to help others and even enjoy helping someone out. I’ve been reminded by many safe and loving people in my life that this is true. I can also look at my own experiences when I offer someone help to remind me that this can be true. Receiving and providing help between two people can strengthen the relationship and grow the connection and trust between them.
Take some time to reflect on this topic for yourself. How do you handle asking and accepting help from others? What is difficult for you with this and why might that be? Here is where curiosity and compassion are important when exploring this. Understanding the origins of behaviors and beliefs can bring about a better understanding of yourself and allow for opportunities to change in ways that’ll help improve your life. If you want help exploring this and with making changes, reach out to me. As I’ve just shared, I know it’s hard to ask for help, but I hope you can find the courage to do so anyway. You don’t have to do it all alone.
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