The ending of relationships can be difficult, no matter what type of relationship it is. I’ve recently had more conversations with people about friendship endings, whether they have already ended or are considering if they need to walk away. I find it’s not something we talk about as much in society - at least not as much as romantic relationship endings. However, I find there are a lot of similarities with the emotions that arise as well as options to bring about closure in these situations. Let’s start with some of the myths about friendships before we go into how to end or deal with an ending to a friendship.
Something I’ve noticed with friendships is the myth that they shouldn’t involve conflict or if they do, they reflect an unhealthy friendship. All relationships will eventually encounter conflict at some point. If you’ve had a relationship that has lasted a long time without conflict, it’s probably more so because the conflict has not been addressed versus it not existing.
Conflict exists when people disagree, or have differing opinions, beliefs, needs or desires. As humans we cannot agree on everything because we are different from one another. Those differences in relationships can make a relationship richer, more balanced, and bring opportunities for learning and growth for individuals within the relationship. Therefore, conflict doesn’t begin or exist only when addressed out in the open, but simply exists when there are these differences.
The important part of handling conflict is to address it, and do so in healthy and effective ways. How to do this is an entire separate topic for another blog post for another day. Instead, let’s focus on what happens when conflict is not handled well or not managed at all. The relationship can become vulnerable to disconnection, resentment, and festering emotions that hurt the foundation of the relationship. It can also lead to the ending of relationships.
Therefore, when friendships are expected to be conflict-free, it sets an unrealistic precedent that can harm the relationship. It also doesn’t allow for the strengthening of relationships that can happen when people work through conflict and come out the other side with more understanding and improved communication between one another.
The other myth that can negatively impact friendships is the belief that friendships will always be there and that they don’t need any work put into them. No relationship is guaranteed and we should never take a relationship for granted. Doing so can lead to neglecting the relationship and causing harm to the other person. To put in work into a relationship includes creating a safe space to be yourselves, negotiating differences, communicating needs, creating a reciprocal relationship of give and take, and in general being there for one another.
I’ve seen and experienced a number of friendships where two people drift apart with no formal ending. In romantic relationships we would not consider doing this and if this happened we usually label this “ghosting” someone. It’s not seen as a nice thing to do because there is no closure or explanation as to why someone is deciding to walk away from the relationship or become absent for extended periods of time. I believe if we’ve developed a closer friendship it deserves the same proper ending and communication we usually expect in romantic relationships.
I understand that it is uncomfortable to have a direct conversation with someone when the relationship no longer makes sense for you, is no longer working, or may even be harmful to you. We may worry about hurting the other person and may feel anxious about conflict. However, we might be creating greater potential harm by leaving the person wondering for many years to come as to why the friendship ended. I believe the most compassionate thing we can do is have the hard conversation. I call this a friendship breakup. They are difficult and painful, but can be the first step to healing from the ending of the relationship. It helps us move forward.
The truth is we can outgrow a friendship just like we might a romantic relationship. Just because we have history with someone doesn’t automatically qualify that person to be in our lives forever. Sometimes we grow and the other person doesn’t. Or both people grow, but just not in the same direction. These can be especially difficult endings to friendships because that relationship may have meant a lot to you or brought a lot of joy to your life at one point. I’d encourage you to consider that there is something beautiful about what someone brought to your life while they were in it even if it doesn’t mean they will be by your side through all of your life’s moments. It doesn’t take away the grief and sadness of the loss, but it is still something to honor.
The very difficult reality of life is that no relationship is meant to last forever. Relationships end for many reasons, including by choice and by things outside of our control such as death. Endings can be painful, but they can also be a time for transformation in our life. Anytime we experience a change in our lives is an opening for growth. It is a time to let go of what is no longer in alignment with our soul’s purpose and path in this life, and step into what is. This includes relationships.
If you are considering whether to keep or end a friendship consider the following:
How does this person impact your mood and emotions including: anger, joy, sadness, anxiety, guilt?
How much of the following do you feel in the relationship: appreciated, respected, valued, safe, supported?
How much trust exists in the relationship?
What benefits does this relationship bring to your life?
What are the costs of keeping this relationship in your life?
How reciprocal is the relationship with what you each give and take?
What do you currently have in common, including hobbies/interests, values, and beliefs?
How is your communication and conflict management within the relationship, and how does this impact your relationship and how you feel about it?
What new growth is being created and/or nurtured in one another and in your relationship?
What are the reasons to hold onto this relationship?
What are the reasons to let go of it?
If you are currently experiencing an ending to a friendship, these tips might be helpful:
Take time to honor what the relationship meant to you by creating space for whatever emotions are arising.
Write down what you enjoyed, appreciated, or felt grateful for during the course of the relationship.
Write down what you learned or gained from the relationship.
Write down what you want to release or let go of in this ending.
Gather any items that you want to purge with the ending of the relationship. I recommend not getting rid of anything permanently while in a heightened emotional state. I’d recommend gathering items, storing it somewhere, and waiting until you feel ready to decide what to let go of.
If you want any support navigating friendships, discussing strategies for handling certain relationship dynamics, or processing the ending of a relationship, reach out to me. I also offer relational Akashic Record readings if you want to explore a friendship you have and get guidance on handling conflict and how to use your strengths to improve the relationship. I enjoy helping people individually or jointly as they work through any relational issues in their life. If this is something you’re interested in, I’d be happy to connect with you to see how I can help.
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