All of us have most likely experienced loneliness at some point in our lives. It is part of the human experience. I’ve noticed loneliness show up in different ways throughout my life. I’ve also observed where loneliness shows up for others through my years helping people. Loneliness can be a painful emotion, but just like other emotions it serves a purpose. I believe loneliness is there to make us aware that we feel disconnected from others and/or ourselves, and to encourage us to reach out to connect in some way.
Loneliness can show up when we are struggling and we may find ourselves shutting out the world. It’s easy to lose ourselves in what we are going through. Sometimes we may feel like a burden, that others will not understand, or that others will leave or love us less if they knew what we were struggling with or who we really are. We may even feel that the shame we are carrying is too much to be shared with others and will only grow if we let others in. These can be the lies shame tells us that only gives loneliness its space to grow louder.
Loneliness can be an especially painful experience after the loss of someone. Part of our grief is what we miss about that person and what they brought to our life. And the difficult reality is that no one will truly replace that loss because every person brings a unique presence. And that’s where loneliness can find its way in and sit with heaviness, especially if that person was a core relationship for us.
Loneliness can also show up in the false belief of independence. Western culture and White culture can push the belief that to be completely self-sufficient is the ultimate goal we should strive to achieve. However, that doesn’t exist without consequences to our well-being. The truth is we do need others in many ways and that's not a weakness, but a reality of being human. Having relationships and leaning on others gives us strength. It’s about finding the balance between being confident in ourselves and knowing we can do things, and reaching out when we need the help of others. We exist in communities and we shouldn’t shame others or ourselves for honoring and connecting with those communities.
One of the more surprising places loneliness can show up is during times of healing. As people work on themselves and grow, they may find that the more surface level conversations they were once engaging in are no longer fulfilling. As we heal, we often find we want to connect with others on a deeper and more vulnerable level. We may also find ourselves growing out of the lives we were living because our values and priorities might change. We may even grow further away from our relationships. It’s nice when people grow with us and do their own work alongside us; however, that doesn’t always happen. When we become the healthiest and the most aware person in our family or social circles, it can feel lonely. It’s like we are the only ones awake while everyone else is asleep. Who do we talk to or go to when we need someone? It’s painful to feel we no longer have those connections.
So how do we diminish and manage loneliness?
By being vulnerable. Shame keeps loneliness alive through not sharing our experiences. It leads us to believe we are the only ones having the experience we are having - that we are completely alone. By sharing what we are going through and who we are with others, it opens the door to learning that we have more in common with others than we thought. It also allows us to be seen. When we hide, loneliness can grow. So find ways to share parts of yourself and your story with safe people.
By asking for help. When we struggle alone, it can add to the pain we are already experiencing. Even if others can’t fix our problems, having them there by our side can make a difference.
By reaching out for connection with others and/or reconnecting with yourself. Like I stated earlier, loneliness can be a sign that we are in need of connection. So use the emotion to motivate yourself to reach out. Call or text someone. Send someone a funny video. Ask someone to hang out. Go out in public and smile at others. It’s possible someone may smile back at you. Even that small and brief connection can make a difference. And don’t forget to find time to connect with yourself. This could be doing things such as writing, sitting in silence, engaging in meditation, participating in some form of movement like dance or stretching, cozying up on the couch with a blanket, or wrapping your arms around yourself.
By finding ways to honor people we’ve lost. People may come and go from our lives in various ways and for a variety of reasons, but their impact on us and the memories they leave behind can stay with us. We can keep these things alive, and in doing so keep a part of them with us. There are many ways to do this, such as sharing memories of this person with others, participating in some of the activities or eating some of the foods that person enjoyed, going to a place that meant something between the two of you, or continuing the work or legacy of that person. You can also try talking or writing to them as if they were there or will receive your message because even if someone passes away they can still listen and be with you in spirit.
By spending time in nature. Life is all around us. Trees, plants, water, animals, etc. are there for us to connect with. We are never alone. Other living things exist when we step outside.
By connecting with a pet. Pets can be a great remedy for loneliness. We can cuddle or play with them, and even talk to them. After all, they can be great listeners and won’t interrupt us!
By connecting to your spirituality and something larger than yourself. There are many ways to connect to something larger than ourselves, whether that is through religious practices, spending time in nature, meditation or yoga, astrology, or something else. Find whatever that is that helps you step outside of yourself, gain a larger perspective, and feel connected to something greater.
If you are finding yourself struggling with loneliness and having a hard time opening up to connect with others or something outside yourself, reach out to me. We can explore what might be getting in the way or leading to blocks. We may be able to seek guidance on ways to seek support from others, expand your social networks, or how to reconnect with yourself.
To end this, I’ll leave you with a poem I recently came across by Mary Oliver, called “Loneliness.” It speaks to how that emotion and state of being can feel like, and how comforting it is to know that nature will always be there to hold us and keep us company. We are never truly alone.
Loneliness
I too have known loneliness.
I too have known what it is to feel
misunderstood,
rejected, and suddenly
not at all beautiful.
Oh, mother earth,
your comfort is great, your arms never withhold.
It has saved my life to know this.
Your rivers flowing, your roses opening in the morning.
Oh, motions of tenderness!
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